


Hidden mirror's distorsion

by Kirashiji



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Anger, Canonical Character Death, Confusion, Descent into Madness, F/F, F/M, Family, Forbidden Love, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loneliness, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Character Death, Royalty, Sadness, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-11-13 00:00:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11172744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kirashiji/pseuds/Kirashiji
Summary: War ended. A great thing.People are now safe. We all are safe.Yeah, they're all so happy....Why can't I be too ?





	1. I'm so sorry..

**Author's Note:**

> Idk what's going on with my mind.. My stories are always gloomy, I think ~  
> Nevermind, enjoy ! :3

 

War is no more.  
After all these fights, these conflicts in the name of peace, the war is over.  
Finally.  
The blood has flowed so much, so many tears have been shed, and this for far too long.  
Now, it's all over. No more unnecessary death, no bloodshed, no fear, no rage. Peace, which all coveted, has returned between our two kingdoms.  
The possessed king, father figure, was dethroned. From the hands of his offspring. He had been and had wanted to manipulate, he was no longer the man of the past, never will be. We had no choice. For the good of our kingdom, for the good of our tortured father, we had to put an end to him.  
The corpse of King Garon allowed Xander to access to the throne. He was carved for this role, destined to reign since his earliest childhood.  
The death of Queen Mikoto ... The death of my biological mother has given way to his heir. My brother hoshidian, holder of the sacred blade, Raijinto.  
Well, that should have been the case. If I had not murdered him, he would reign on Hoshido.  
But I killed him.  
_"For peace !",_ tries to convince me of a pointless voice. My conscience refuses to believe it. Killing him was not the right thing to do. There certainly was another choice to make, a choice that would have led to life. A choice that I did not see, that escaped me. By my fault, because of my choices, the falcon princess holds her kingdom in the palm of her hands. She was never prepared to reign, this role was for her brother, always. She has not been trained to be a queen, she is above all a warrior. She had not wanted to be a queen.

 

On the other side of the frontier, the Nohrians finally prospered. Relations with the former enemy had become more than friendly. There were no longer any struggles. The brutes, facelesses, and all evil beasts had become less present and dangerous to the population.

 

My younger sister, a Nohrian princess, brought the sun into the streets of the kingdom, dragging with her my childhood friend, Great General of Nohr.  
Our strategist Prince assisted Xander in his political decisions, having become, since the post-war years, his prime Minister thanks to his many talents in the matter. Secretly, a few nights, some saw him flying discreetly towards the sleeping city.  
My affectionate elder sister had hardly recovered from the disappearance of one of her vassals. But, thanks to a warrior of the temperamentally explosive nature sharing her life recently, she seemed to no longer think about it. In order to change the minds of the princess, her beloved one made her travel throughout the kingdom, going from Nohr to Hoshido and vice versa, discovering every day more cultures.

 

Xander, the heir to the throne, had thus become King of Nohr. At the time of his crowning, all were invited to the castle. Nohrians and Hoshidians. In spite of our shared anxieties, all shared the same euphoria, without any hindrance. The heiress of the throne of Hoshido, my sister of blood, had been the first guest. She stood in all her splendor at the side of her people. In her Queen's appearances, she shone in the eyes of all.

 

Alongside my Nohrian family, I nervously felt her insistent eyes pierce my body. I felt miserable. I did not deserve my place here, beside this throne, with this happy people. I was not worthy to be surrounded by a family so joyful, so ... Full of life. I must have obtained only death, desolation, and despair in answer to my deeds.  
I really wanted to ask for forgiveness. Pardon for having betrayed and annihilated our brothers, for having traumatized our young sister, so sweet and so fragile. Pardon for having killed a mother, a queen, of my mere existence. Pardon for having annihilated a nation devoid of monarch under the standard of _peace_.  
Pardon for taking so many lives.  
But I could not.  
Her bronze look conveyed me such suffering. I was petrified.  
I had killed our father, our mother, our brothers ... I had no right to face her. I had no right to claim to be a brother toward her, I could not identify myself as her family. I wanted to run away from here, far from her eyes, but my brothers, my sisters ... My Nohrian family stood by me. All proud, moved, when the crown of the deceased king landed on Xander's golden hair.  
The acclamations which followed gave me nausea. However, my smile persisted, glued to my lips.  
I could not seem so weak at that moment, nor ever.  
A prince could not afford it.

 

Departing from the throne now belonging to him, Xander had advanced towards the population. He had proudly joined the crowd, and had stopped at the front. He was sumptuously facing the Hoshidian heiress and, in the absence of a mere handshake as a sign of peace, his right knee had touched the ground.  
The two nations had moved as one man, creating a semicircle behind the falcon warrior.  
The visage of our king, right, full of embarrassment, had faced the hoshidian heiress. Xander had uttered a few words in a loud voice, wishing to be assured. Knowing him since my youngest memories, I had seen farther than this silly facade. In his eyes I had seen nothing but fear and hope, skilfully concealed behind a disproportionate confidence. The years of comedies facing Father had hardened his acting. No one could see a lie on this face. Nobody, other than me. As well as our brothers and sisters.

 

The brother's smirk, the sparkling eyes and the applause of two sisters, these combined elements made me fall from high. Each of their gestures, each of their words, their apprehension in front of this ceremony during the preparations ... It was not in connection with the crowning of Xander that evening, far from it.  
All knew for the _demand_.  
All knew Xander's intentions, his feelings.  
Everything had been planned in advance.  
I could not accept such a thing.  
It was conceivable, however, that fate would be so cruel to me ... After all these repugnant actions.  
I had no other escape.  
I could only pray silently. Pray to the old dragons, beg them to grant me this unique wish.

 

_Make a refusal to be the answer to his request._

 

Xander's feelings would be hurt. His dignity, soiled. His honor ... Probably broken by a refusal before the two nations.  
But at that very moment I had nothing to do with all that. I did not want to endure that. And yet, fate seemed to be on me.  
I had the impression that brambles squeezed my heart until it bled.  
Gently she had knelt down. Facing Xander, she was now smiling. A smile, illuminated by joy. Tears perched at the edge of her eyes, but none had the courage to rush to her cheeks. She had not taked her eyes off of him, they had fixed each other for a long, long time, looking as happy as the other.  
And they got closer.  
And she kissed him.  
The cries of joy stabbed my body mercilessly, my bruised heart seemed to burn in my chest. Nothing could stop him. He consumed everything in his path.  
_Pain. Love. Friendship. Weakness. Cruelty. Death._  
Everything was mixed up. Nothing concrete, distinct. A dark mass, a mixture of words, feelings, ... Names, without real meaning. Everything, inside and outside, plunged into a thick fog. Invaded by a din, overflowing with happiness. The crowd. The people.  
A prince could not show himself weak before his people.

 

My legs had quickly led me into my room. I could not decently stay. I could not break dowm. Not when everyone shared, for the first time, such a common euphoria. The effervescence of the news, these cursed news, allowed me a more than discreet disappearance.  
I was alone, at last. Enclosed in a room bathed in light. Far from everything, however, for it embraced the clouds.  
It, at least, had no mistrust to have. It was not forced to contain itself. To hide, to hide this envy. It remained high, just as close to the sky.  
It, at least, had the right. The freedom. The impassivity too, perhaps. It could accomplish at every moment what I had been incapable of for more than ten years.

 

_That's it, I'm an incapable ..._

 

A torrent invaded my thoughts and my red cheeks. Nothing was able to contain these feelings. They were not supposed to exist in the first place. Not me to him. Fate wanted it differently. From him to her, only.  
Xander loved this hoshidian Queen. This former sister so appreciated. This victim of so many losses. He wanted her. And had her as a wife. In an instant. They loved each other. I had seen it in their looks, in their deeds. Unfortunately, I had known them so much before. I knew the expressions of my sister as if I had never been taken away from her. And I knew everything about Xander. Nothing could escape me, nothing must escape me.  
They loved each other.  
My screams were full of sorrow.

 

_Why had I been set apart like this ?_  
**No one wants a murderer for brother or lover.**  
_We're all killers !_  
**You killed your mother, your fathers, your brothers, your friends, your allies. The blood of your family, you're bathed in it.**  
_I had no choice !_  
**Of course you had, and you are fully aware of it. You could have chosen. They could have lived. But you did not want to.**

_It's wrong..._

 

Falling on my knees, on the marble floor, the avenging spirits revolved around me. In a circle, I could not ignore them. _Your fault, traitor, your fault_ , they repeated incessantly. In a loop, in my head, these words resounded.  
The only remedy for this curse was a mortal poison.  
_Xander._  
To forget, I could only remember the powerful arms of my .. Of my _brother_ against me, when being a child, I refused to sleep. The nights frightened me so much that I could not close my eyes alone, without trembling at every whisper. To each of my caprices, to each of my fears, he tried to rock me awkwardly, after my elder sister had aborted the task.  
The long nights of insomnia when, after his departure, I secretly admired his training by the only window of my stone fortress. His blade cleaving the calm air of the night had the effect of a lullaby, much more effective than the sweetest of songs. My heart was filled with a feeling which I could not describe with certainty.

 

_Xander ... Forgive me ..._


	2. I... I can't...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ! \o/ There's a new chapter today ~  
> ... Yeah, it tooks me long enough to finish it .-.  
> But there he is ! Hope you enjoy :3  
> (And sorry for the mistakes or idk in the sentences, I tried so hard but hey, I merely speak English so... it's difficult :v )

 

 

 

 

I _had_ to make a choice.

In fact, it was not _really_ a choice, to tell the truth. Rather an obligation. Fate had probably still to do with the matter. That will not have surprised me, on the contrary.  
Fate refused my welfare.  
And I refused to be happy. I could not be.  
Thus I had undergone it as an order. An order, having the appearance of a choice. A simple choice, tracing my future. The choice between two paths. These two paths inevitably led to the same ending.

_Pain_.

 

I had submitted to it in order not to change, in order not to act differently from the perfect little brother, the prince I was. Always present for others. An image my allies had of me. If they knew, they would never take the trouble to venerate me like that. I had killed, without distinction, to please Father. Friends like foes. It was not impossible that I could kill an ally now. But no one seemed to consider this option. All seemed to have faith in me.  
In _me_.  
I had been entrusted with this task, this custody. He had entrusted it to me, more precisely. He was worried that at my age, a prince of my standing has not yet found a suitable match. Oh, I had found it for a long time. But I could not tell him. I would have to admit, confess everything. Unthinkable. In order not to raise suspicions, to not alarm others ... I had said yes. Yes, surely, it was not going to be so terrible. This task would probably have the merit of occupying my thoughts. And, in some ways, it did.  
In order not to endure, every day, the interminable praise of the many qualities of the "magnificent hoshidian queen", in his words, I had to accept the _pact_. Occupying my time was the best thing to do. I knew, deep down inside, that nothing could go on like that. I could no longer feel the bitterness slashing and consuming my being at every glance, at each encounter with his divine person. Seeing his eyes, his looks full of tenderness towards another being, their happiness overflowing in front of my revulsed eyes...  
Nothing made me more agonizing.  
_Nothing_.  
Unless maybe....  
Yes. _Obviously_.  
It could always get worse. _Always_.  
And I had obviously found worse. One thing that will make me tremble with terror, agonize in the night and lie at dawn more than my cursed feelings.  
Yes...  
In reality, my mind was relatively healthy before _this_ choice.  
This ignoble, noble choice.  
To take care of their son, the fruit of their love.

 

The end of the war caused so much euphoria and pride that they had taken place throughout the kingdom. Freedom and peace reigned over the minds, had been a factor more than useful to the growth of love and happiness.  
My younger sister had given birth to a child with a heart and temperament as chivalrous as her father. She was cajoled, loved and hardened by her two loving parents, each day, courageously following them everywhere along their way, accompanied by her so problematic horse.  
My eldest sister, on a journey to Hoshido, had discovered a young orphan boy in a destroyed village, and had taken him under her wing as her own son. The two women raised him with such love that he did not have a minute's rest, dragged along with his mothers on their journeys.  
To our surprise, our strategist brother had presented us to his lover, a talented and charming mage, as well as their son who had only a few years old, while fearing our reaction. My sisters had accepted it, their love seemed so pure and intense that they could not do otherwise. Xander struggled to get at the idea, but under the threats and supplications of our sisters, he rethought his judgment and accepted it just as well. After a while, the two had married with relief and joy.

 

Xander, with his wife, evidently had an heir. A son, a prince. A young child similar. _A copy of Xander_. He had greatly inherited the royal appearance of his father. And everything in this child reminded me painfully of the king. My brother had asked me reluctantly to take care of their son when he was unable to do so, for the reconstruction of the kingdoms took from him and his wife so much time that he was barely sleeping at night. He did not want his son to have a lonely childhood, with parents who can't be present for him. He had to choose someone to be with him, on days when he could not. He had meditated on the question before resolving to entrust me with this task, facilitated by the fact that the child begged his father to entrust it to me. I could not refuse ... I could not refuse such a request coming from him. Be trustworthy, help my loved ones. It was only my duty. Be a good prince, on whom his loved ones can count. I could not refuse.

 

I came to believe that I was cursed in the depths of my being.  
Cursed because I had acted with so little consideration in former times; cursed because I had betrayed my family; cursed for killing them, those innocents who only wished for my return, who only wished for the welfare... Cursed because I had destroyed so many things, so many friendships, love, so many humans and metamorphs !  
My curse, the punishment I had earned, resided in this mere child. A child who, beyond all rationality, seemed to adore me more than reason. Having spent most of his time with me, I had become more important to this young being than his own parents. The time he spent with them was terrible : he wept for my absence, refused to play and talk to the king, did not allow to be approached or given food. It had become so critical that, at the request of my exhausted brother, I had to be present at all times with his son. Despite all these constraints, I could not reprimand him. His childlike and adorable way of speaking, pronouncing my first name, acting ... It was impossible for me to resist, I could only worship him a little more each day.  
My mind, on the other hand, whispered something else, in the meanderings of my mind.  
I tried incessantly to silence this voice, to forget this painful detail, to efface the harsh reality. Nothing could be done there.  
Every day I heard that same sentence again and again.

 

**_You see in this child only a double of your love, a second Xander._ **

 

Inconceivable. I could not do otherwise ... His son, barely four years old, put me in a catastrophic state.  
He had finally managed, after so many attempts, to pronounce my first name correctly. Holding a scribbled paper, he had sported an angelic smile. I recognized myself, in this drawing, with a blond head. It was probably himself, thinking of it, but ... With the hearts drawn, I could not see anyone other than his own father.  
From there everything had deteriorated.  
I had cracked. I had wept piteously before the son of the man who was inaccessible to me. I cried so hard, constantly seeing Xander, so happy at his wife's side. A woman who once was my sister, and ought to have remained so. These ideas reduced me to ashes, annihilated me without pity. I had let all these feelings overflow from my eyes, under his own incomprehension, and fell to the ground, helpless. Embracing the juvenile body of this innocent prince with uncontrolled force, my tears flowed into a torrent and blurred my vision. Poor child, he must have been so distraught and saddened by my actions. This had no explanation for him. Nevertheless, in my madness, I had not seen anything. I had only wept, crying desperately for a man's name. A man who had always considered himself my brother. I cried the name of a man, capturing his son in my trembling arms.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed ~  
> Leave comments and kudos as you want 8D


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